Facing Demons | Anger and Frustration

Sometimes, I feel I should take anger management classes. It's not that my anger goes so high and I get out of control. It's actually the opposite. Now that I think about it, I think I need an anger RELEASE class, if such a thing even exists.

I just hold the anger in.

There's a part of me that remembers everything a person does against me. And I mean everything. Something that happened years ago would just suddenly come into my mind, and I could feel it as if it happened right that moment. The feelings are still fresh, the wounds are still open. Not even time could heal them.

It may be natural to have grudges like that, but to have so many...

Last night, I had a dream. I felt so frustrated in that dream. I felt so angry. I hit the walls over and over again with my hand, yet my blows come too slow.

I shatter things in my dream. Just destroy. Damage. Hurt. There's so much anger in me... And this is not the first time I dreamed such a dream.

I'm frustrated that I am frustrated. I'm angry that I have so much anger. It feeds on itself. It grows, gnaws at me, kills me.

I can keep control of my reactions. I can take it all in. You can give me a blow, and I won't say a word about it. But I will remember it. And I will kill you in my dreams. I will shatter you in my thoughts. And maybe the next time, I will be able to smile at you. I won't hurt you, no. I can always keep control of my reactions. But the time might come that I'll snap, and the next thing you know it won't be me. I'm actually afraid for you, when that time comes. I'm afraid that that time will come. Sometimes, I come too close to crossing that line.

I hate feeling like I'm a victim. I know deep inside that I am responsible for those moments that make me feel I'm a victim. One can only be a victim when he allows himself to be a victim. And I've allowed that to happen. It's my fault, in a way.

I am responsible for those, and I will be responsible for not being a victim again.